Creating Time for Your Marriage

The best way I show love to Gemma is by making my relationship with Matt a priority. I’m fortunate to have grown up in a home with parents who consistently modelled this—It’s no surprise that this week they celebrated their 35^th wedding anniversary! Although I wasn’t cognizant of it at the time, I grew up with the sense of security that my mom and dad were deeply and truly in love and committed to one another. That security carries with me into my marriage, because I know that despite the statistics, my marriage will work if I make it work. I know marriage isn’t a hopeless, outdated institution like so many say and I want Gemma to always feel that same confidence.

But in reality, creating time for my marriage is a challenge; We live very fulfilling and very busy lives. The other night while I was doing dishes and Matt was folding laundry, I commented that I felt like our life was like running on a treadmill—we gotta keep up or else we fall off. Matt, who is known for his keen sense of humour, said in response, “well then we must be in awesome shape!” You see, we are great at keeping up. Our Mondays to Fridays go in a flash as we are absorbed in our careers and enjoying our precious moments with Gemma, and the weekends go even quicker as we catch up with family, friends and housework. This leaves little time for ‘us’.

It’s insidious how easy it is to get into the habit of neglecting one’s marriage for the kids. We want the best for our babies, and since they need so much of our attention, we become less and less intentional about our marriage. It happens slowly, but eventually we look up and realize how little we’ve connected with our spouse.

Recently I had been feeling like that, so last weekend Matt planned a little getaway for us to Calgary (I wrote about it earlier in the week). The best way to describe the weekend was a breath of fresh air. It was the first time in the past year and a half where we could simply enjoy each other’s company without feeling the competing pull for attention from our daughter. It felt like we were dating or newlyweds, with nothing to concern ourselves with besides getting to know each other. But since a weekend can only last a couple days, I know weekend getaways once or twice a year will never be enough to keep my marriage strong. Matt and I need to create time for each other each day, even if the moments are small and fleeting.

Here are some ways Matt and I have been trying to make time in all the busyness to cultivate our marriage:

1.   Intentionally communicate for 15 minutes: Matt and I are strong communicators. When Matt gets home from work, one of the first questions he asks me is “how was your day?” And he really means it. He wants to know how my classes went, how a certain situation with a student is going, how Gemma did at the dayhome, what we did together in the afternoon, etc. And I do the same with him. We probably end up chatting for a good 10 to 15 minutes while Gemma plays around or with us. Since communication comes naturally for us, I wouldn’t say we have to be intentional about it, it just happens. But over the years in chatting with my friends about their marriages, I’ve learned that not all couples communicate so easily.  I read in one of the Babywise books, I believe, that setting aside this time is actually an important technique that couples need to incorporate into their daily routine.  They key is to talk to one another for a set period of time in front of your children. They will want to interrupt, so explain to them that this is daddy and mommy’s special time to chat and they need to wait until the time has passed to have a turn. Now, of course this would not work with a young toddler like our Gemma, but it’s the principle of making communication a priority in your daily routine that matters.  By modelling this, our children see that a loving marriage requires ‘communication maintenance’ to stay healthy.

2.   Have a regular date night: I know of many couples who have a set date night that they budget both their time and money for. This is something that Matt and I are awful at. We expend all our energy during the work week and Friday comes so quickly that we totally forget to make weekend plans with each other.  By 6:00 on a Friday we aren’t going to call someone to babysit, so we end up vegging on the couch instead of heading out to do something fun.  But since we know it is so important for our marriage, Matt and I are going to be more intentional about date nights as we head into the summer.

3.   Multi-task: By taking interest in an activity or completing a project together, you can simultaneously enjoy each other’s company and accomplish something.  Matt and I enjoy working out, but it’s yet another thing we have to find time for. Recently we’ve started running together. We put Gemma in the running stroller and then have 30+ minutes to chat between gasps for air!! It isn’t romantic, but it does build camaraderie...which can lead to romance! For you it might be gardening (so not me) or cooking (totally me); whatever it is, by accomplishing something together you encourage one another and cultivate your friendship with your spouse.

4.   Limit television and all other technology: These can be major time wasters, and they usually take away from our quality time with our spouse. I find it’s easy to turn the tv off when there’s a to-do list to accomplish, but after I check the items off my list and want to relax, the tv is oh-so-tempting. Ugh, I love tv, but when watching tv is all I do with Matt, well that’s obviously problematic. We’ve gone through seasons in our marriage where we’ve been too distracted by all the technology around us and have had to be intentional about pressing the power button on all our devices and do something more worthwhile with our time together.  

How have you been intentional in creating time for your marriage?? I’d love to hear!

To happy marriages and secure children. ♥ Dion