Creating Time for Your Marriage

The best way I show love to Gemma is by making my relationship with Matt a priority. I’m fortunate to have grown up in a home with parents who consistently modelled this—It’s no surprise that this week they celebrated their 35^th wedding anniversary! Although I wasn’t cognizant of it at the time, I grew up with the sense of security that my mom and dad were deeply and truly in love and committed to one another. That security carries with me into my marriage, because I know that despite the statistics, my marriage will work if I make it work. I know marriage isn’t a hopeless, outdated institution like so many say and I want Gemma to always feel that same confidence.

But in reality, creating time for my marriage is a challenge; We live very fulfilling and very busy lives. The other night while I was doing dishes and Matt was folding laundry, I commented that I felt like our life was like running on a treadmill—we gotta keep up or else we fall off. Matt, who is known for his keen sense of humour, said in response, “well then we must be in awesome shape!” You see, we are great at keeping up. Our Mondays to Fridays go in a flash as we are absorbed in our careers and enjoying our precious moments with Gemma, and the weekends go even quicker as we catch up with family, friends and housework. This leaves little time for ‘us’.

It’s insidious how easy it is to get into the habit of neglecting one’s marriage for the kids. We want the best for our babies, and since they need so much of our attention, we become less and less intentional about our marriage. It happens slowly, but eventually we look up and realize how little we’ve connected with our spouse.

Recently I had been feeling like that, so last weekend Matt planned a little getaway for us to Calgary (I wrote about it earlier in the week). The best way to describe the weekend was a breath of fresh air. It was the first time in the past year and a half where we could simply enjoy each other’s company without feeling the competing pull for attention from our daughter. It felt like we were dating or newlyweds, with nothing to concern ourselves with besides getting to know each other. But since a weekend can only last a couple days, I know weekend getaways once or twice a year will never be enough to keep my marriage strong. Matt and I need to create time for each other each day, even if the moments are small and fleeting.

Here are some ways Matt and I have been trying to make time in all the busyness to cultivate our marriage:

1.   Intentionally communicate for 15 minutes: Matt and I are strong communicators. When Matt gets home from work, one of the first questions he asks me is “how was your day?” And he really means it. He wants to know how my classes went, how a certain situation with a student is going, how Gemma did at the dayhome, what we did together in the afternoon, etc. And I do the same with him. We probably end up chatting for a good 10 to 15 minutes while Gemma plays around or with us. Since communication comes naturally for us, I wouldn’t say we have to be intentional about it, it just happens. But over the years in chatting with my friends about their marriages, I’ve learned that not all couples communicate so easily.  I read in one of the Babywise books, I believe, that setting aside this time is actually an important technique that couples need to incorporate into their daily routine.  They key is to talk to one another for a set period of time in front of your children. They will want to interrupt, so explain to them that this is daddy and mommy’s special time to chat and they need to wait until the time has passed to have a turn. Now, of course this would not work with a young toddler like our Gemma, but it’s the principle of making communication a priority in your daily routine that matters.  By modelling this, our children see that a loving marriage requires ‘communication maintenance’ to stay healthy.

2.   Have a regular date night: I know of many couples who have a set date night that they budget both their time and money for. This is something that Matt and I are awful at. We expend all our energy during the work week and Friday comes so quickly that we totally forget to make weekend plans with each other.  By 6:00 on a Friday we aren’t going to call someone to babysit, so we end up vegging on the couch instead of heading out to do something fun.  But since we know it is so important for our marriage, Matt and I are going to be more intentional about date nights as we head into the summer.

3.   Multi-task: By taking interest in an activity or completing a project together, you can simultaneously enjoy each other’s company and accomplish something.  Matt and I enjoy working out, but it’s yet another thing we have to find time for. Recently we’ve started running together. We put Gemma in the running stroller and then have 30+ minutes to chat between gasps for air!! It isn’t romantic, but it does build camaraderie...which can lead to romance! For you it might be gardening (so not me) or cooking (totally me); whatever it is, by accomplishing something together you encourage one another and cultivate your friendship with your spouse.

4.   Limit television and all other technology: These can be major time wasters, and they usually take away from our quality time with our spouse. I find it’s easy to turn the tv off when there’s a to-do list to accomplish, but after I check the items off my list and want to relax, the tv is oh-so-tempting. Ugh, I love tv, but when watching tv is all I do with Matt, well that’s obviously problematic. We’ve gone through seasons in our marriage where we’ve been too distracted by all the technology around us and have had to be intentional about pressing the power button on all our devices and do something more worthwhile with our time together.  

How have you been intentional in creating time for your marriage?? I’d love to hear!

To happy marriages and secure children. ♥ Dion

Weekend Away at Calgary's Hotel Le Germain

Below is a review of Hotel Le Germain in downtown Calgary, as well as the Charcut Roast House and Double Zero Restaurant.

On Friday Matt and I left Gemma with the grandparents and slipped away to Calgary for a romantic weekend. Although we missed her, we knew she was in the most loving care, and the freedom of it being just the two of us helped ease any nerves we had. We stayed at the stunning Hotel Le Germain in downtown Calgary, situated directly across from the Calgary Tower and the Fairmont Palliser hotel. Matt really hit it out of the park finding this place!  Le Germain is a metropolitan boutique hotel, similar to the Matrix or the Mettera here in Edmonton, but more luxurious.

Room at Hotel Le Germain

We love the modern style of boutique hotels, and the room certainly met what I’d expect at a hotel like this. I loved the rain shower in the bathroom and have decided that when I build my dream house, I’m putting one in!

 A highlight for me at Le Germain was its well equipped fitness centre – perhaps the best equipped gym I’ve ever seen in a hotel. They had a row of treadmills and ellipticals, two trx’s and bosu balls, a punching bag, a spin bike, a rowing machine, not to mention two full sets of dumbbells and many other pieces of equipment for abs and stretching. Oh, and the fitness centre is located at the top of the hotel, with floor to ceiling windows that wrap around on three sides of the gym. We took in downtown Calgary as we worked out each morning!

The working out was necessary seeing as we ate very well this weekend! Our first evening we ate at the hotel’s Charcut Roast House, a popular and highly regarded charcuterie restaurant in Calgary.  Charcuterie refers to a French style of food that emphasises sliced, prepared meats.  We ordered their famous charcuterie platter of three varieties of meats and ate it along with the cheese and bread we ordered additionally. Like everything else in this hotel, Charcut’s food and style really fit with what we look for when we holiday—European and modern. Another endearing aspect of this restaurant is how they serve warm chocolate chip cookies for dessert. Cookies are my weakness, making this restaurant all the more wonderful. My only issue with Charcut was the service. After I mentioned that I wasn’t interested in ordering a $15 glass of wine, I noticed the server seemed to take less interest in our table. And it’s true, Matt and I weren’t planning on over-doing the spending this weekend, but it was a little off-putting. I served through university so I understand wanting to put my efforts with the clients who will ring up the highest bill, but I also learned that the best tippers often came from the clients I didn’t expect to be so generous. Regardless it was a delicious meal that brought back many memories of our dining in Europe.

Our favourite meal was on Saturday at DOUBLE ZERO, a more upscale pizza joint in Chinook Mall. It is named after 00--the highest grade of flour--which they use in their pizza dough, making for an extremely light crust. Double Zero was rated best pizza place in Calgary by Avenue magazine, and we totally agree! It beat Famosos, an Edmonton area favourite, hands down. The pizza was fantastic, but we also enjoyed two other traditional Italian dishes – a caprese salad (tomatoes, arugula and fior di latte) and arancini (breaded risotto balls) – which had us longing for another Italian vacation. We decided that a visit to Calgary is no longer a visit without stopping by Double Zero.

Our stay in Calgary at Le Germain was exactly what Matt and I needed to re-energize as we head into the final weeks of school, and served as a reminder of how important it is to invest in our marriage, not only for our sake, but for the sake of Gemma. I’ll be blogging on this topic tomorrow, so please pop by again. 

♥ Dion

Recipe: Sweet Pineapple and Pork Kebabs

I'm from Alberta, where the bbq'ing season is short and sweet -- unless of course you bbq in the snow, which many an Albertan is known to do! One thing I love about bbq season is that it makes meal planning so much easier. Choose your meat, choose your veggies, season, plop on bbq and voila!

I've been craving shish kebabs a lot lately and thought I'd share this easy, healthy recipe that we've bbq'd a few times already this year! These are so delicious -- I've seen Gemma down an entire kebab in a sitting, which is saying something since dinnertime is usually the most challenging meal of the day with our little girl.

Sweet Pineapple and Pork Kebabs
Makes 8-10 kebabs

Cut the following ingredients into 1 inch chunks:
1 pork tenderloin (chicken breasts would work well too)
1 medium pineapple
1-2 green bell peppers, or any variety of peppers
1 red onion
1 pint cherry tomatoes (don't chop these)

Honey (for brushing on the kebabs)

Thread the ingredients onto shish kebab skewers, alternating between ingredients (remember that if you use wood skewers you need to soak them in water prior to threading the veggies and placing on the bbq).

Season with salt and pepper and bbq until tenderloin is cooked.
As you bbq, brush the kebabs with honey and rotate. Use as much honey as you wish, but I like these kebabs sweet, so I am generous with it.

Serve on a bed of rice, or, for an even healthier option, quinoa. A little dash of soya sauce goes well on the rice/quinoa.

If you have lots of pineapple leftovers, try grilling the extra pineapple for dessert--always a hit in our house! You can find many recipes for seasoned, grilled pineapple online.

Let me know if you try it!

To healthier and happier mealtimes!

♥ Dion

The C-Section Club

January 3, 2013

A dear girlfriend of mine had the most beautiful baby the other day. Like so many women, her labour did not progress enough for a vaginal delivery, and the doctors made the wise decision to have her deliver by c-section. When I heard about this, my heart sank in empathy—16 months ago I was there too. With tears welling up in my eyes, I texted her this:

Welcome to motherhood! I’m sorry to hear about the c-section. You’re now part of the c-section club: A group of mamas who are willing to change their bodies forever for the best of their babes. You’ll wear that scar with pride and as a symbol of your love for her. Trust the nurses when they say to get up and move, even though it hurts. It helps with the healing. Take the pain meds to stay on top of the pain. And know that recovery is short in the grand scheme of things. You’ll be back to yourself before you know it. I love you and wouldn’t wish a c-section on anyone, but know that I understand—we share that bond.

*

All moms are heroes, no matter how they deliver, but those who deliver by c-section hold a special place in my heart.  This blog is for all you mommas who’ve been inducted into the c-section club.

You are the mother who did everything you could and pushed your body to its limits, only to hear that it wasn’t quite enough.

You are the mother, like myself, who gets the terrible news on an ultrasound that her baby is better off outside the womb instead of in. You are the mother, who when hearing that news, courageously says, “just cut her out”, do whatever it takes to bring my baby into the world safe.

You are the mother who has a pre-existing condition that makes a natural delivery too unsafe or too complicated. You are the mother who kicks your illness in the face, unwilling to let it prevent you from fulfilling your desire to be a mother.

You are the mother, who despite one of these reasons, musters up the courage to do it all over again. To spend nine months anxious about the day your little one makes its arrival, wondering if you’ll have to relive it all again.

You are the mother, who despite one of these reasons, chooses to relive it all again. You are the mother who willingly endures all the painful sacrifice of going under the knife, because you know the joy of new life will one day trump the pain.

You are the mother who knows the disappointment of feeling like your body has failed you. You know how hard it is to hear your friends swap empowering labour stories, feeling left out of this right of passage.  You are the mother who knows the unique challenges of nursing, changing and bathing a baby while recovering from major surgery, just wishing you could fully engage in those fleeting first weeks with your little one. You are the one who bites her tongue when someone suggests a c-section isn’t that bad, when really you want to scream at them for being so naïve.

And you are the mother who wears the scar with pride, knowing that you are a hero. You put into practice from the very first day what it means to lay down your life for your child. It’s never ideal, but membership to the c-section club is an honour that you share with many other women who understand--who know the same pain & disappointment and love & triumph. I feel it too.
♥ Dion
 

Mother's Day: Words to Live By...

Last night my hubby kicked me out of the house to Starbucks so that I could "take a break" -- read: so that he could work on my Mother's Day gift. Hmm….

I don't think I've gone to Starbucks by myself since well before Gemma was born. Funny how parenthood changes you. Years ago I would've felt pathetic sipping a chai tea latte alone on a Friday night, but now that I'm well into motherhood, I can't think of a more relaxing way to start my weekend.  Well, except sleeping.

I thought I'd take advantage of the time to myself to post something new on the blog. And since Sunday is Mother's Day, you'll find this timely.

A few months ago I was searching through the racks of wall art at Homesense for something new for my classroom when I stumbled on this:

I snatched it up right away. I knew I needed it for my home, and I knew I needed it in my kitchen where I'd see it and be reminded of this message ALL THE TIME.

You see, ever since I've had Gemma, my home and I have been fighting an epic battle. My type-A desire to keep a clean and tidy house is always in conflict with the realities of motherhood.

When Matt and I were first married, Saturday was cleaning day. I was able to maintain a decent house by cleaning a couple hours on the weekend, and by periodically bringing in a house cleaner, especially when my marking load got really heavy (all English teachers collectively sigh in empathy).

It took all of five minutes into Gemma's existence outside the womb for me to realize that those clean and tidy days were done. Strewn across my hospital room were the eighty parts to my breast pump, and my half-packed diaper bag had seemingly exploded, spilling its contents in every corner of the room. Ringing any reminiscent bells, moms??? To state the obvious, there is just no going back to those pre-baby days once baby comes.

16 months later and I still have a hard time facing this truth--I just can't keep on top of my house. My house can feel so oppressive, because it's always there, it's always messy, and there's really nothing I can do about it. I tidy a corner of a room and seconds later our little 'hurricane Gemma’-- as we've come to affectionately call her-- rolls through. I clean a mirror and a minute later Gemma decides to play kissy-face with her reflection in the glass. I scrape the goop off the floor and the next meal Gemma discovers the humour in watching mommy react as she flings her yogurt across the kitchen. And if I were to be completely transparent, I'd tell you how many times I've teared up looking at the impossibly large messes my 30 some-odd inches of toddler creates.

When I saw this wall art I knew I needed it for my sanity--a mantra, if you will. I needed to remember that my worth as a mom is not tied up in how I care for my home, but rather how I care for those living in my home. My best childhood memories of my mom are not how hard she worked as a homemaker, but of the quality time she spent with me. The times she read the whole Anne of Green Gables series to me, the times we painted Easter eggs and made gingerbread houses (from scratch, no less), the times she stayed up for hours helping me with science projects and editing my essays. When I reflect on it I see that these were the moments my mom demonstrated her love for me in a way that made me feel happy and secure.

When Gemma grows up she won't remember the greasy fingerprints on the coffee table and the dust bunnies setting up camp in the corner of the family room. But she will remember that I read her books and played with her at the park. That I let her colour outside the lines and make mud pies in the sandbox. That I stopped what I was doing in the kitchen to listen to her little stories and take delight in what joyed her.

And so, I'm learning to embrace my sticky floor, dirty oven, unwashed laundry, disorganized closet--and the list could go on, and on, and on-- and go about the business of being busy enjoying the fleeting moments of my daughter's childhood. Happy Mother’s day!

♥ Dion

Just hold on a little longer Momma

On Friday night I had the sweetest moment with my daughter. That evening we had been out at a bonfire with a bunch of young families from our church.  We had a great time and Gemma was in her glory—running around the backyard, playing with the dog, looking at the horses, watching the big kids. There she could let her tiny free spirit run wild. 

Towards the end, however, she was done. Tapped out. Crying, back-arching – the whole bit. We slipped away and took her home to get her straight to bed.  No bath, no book, no teeth brushing (oops!). Simply her bottle and cuddles with me.  Normally when she finishes her bottle I hold her for a moment, pray for her and set her right in bed awake. But this evening when she finished her milk she looked directly up at me and snuggled into my chest, taking me back to our first moments together 16 months ago.

I’ll never forget the look in Gemma’s eyes when Matt placed her beside me in the hospital bed in the surgery recovery ward.  When she first heard my voice her dark newborn eyes locked right on mine. I could tell from her stare that she was thinking “Now that’s my mom! That’s whose voice I’ve heard the last 9 months. That’s who’s been with me all along”. It was that moment that made all the stress of her delivery and all the pain that was to come the following days ultimately worth it.

On Friday night Gemma looked up at me with those same eyes. But this time she was saying, “That’s my mom! She’s the one who’s always there. Mom, tonight, just hold on to me a little longer.”  Unlike our usual routine, that evening there was no putting her right in the crib. I let her snuggle in and rest on my shoulder for a long time. Through her window shade I watched the Alberta sun make its late descent, turning the room’s blue hue dark. We rocked back and forth, back and forth, until she was in a deep, deep sleep. From somewhere—her hair, my scarf—the smoky bonfire scent lingered. It was one of those all-too rare moments us busy moms relish –rocking my not-quite-a-baby, not-quite-a-toddler, just like the early days.  

In the serene moment Gemma gave me a gentle reminder: Just hold on to me a little longer. I won’t stay little for long.

♥ Dion