If you’re like me, you know how easy it can be to take your
husband’s involvement in raising your children for granted. When he does
something differently than how you would, criticism, not encouragement, seems
to roll off the tongue. When he gets home late from work, forgets to accomplish
that one task or spends too long ______ (you fill in the blank), it’s tempting
to slip into ‘compare and critique’ mode: That
job would take me five minutes to get done...
Ugh. It’s embarrassing to admit that I’ve felt and said any
of the above before (and more than once...).
I am too quick to forget this one truth: A father’s loving
presence in the home is central to the healthy development of the child. It
matters not whether he does things just like you.
There’s TONS of research that supports this (see here for
more detail):
For instance, children raised with involved fathers are less
likely to misbehave at school and as teenagers are less likely to participate in
risky behaviours.
Source: Bronte-Tinkew, J., Moore, K.A., & Carrano, J. (2006).
The father-child relationship, parenting styles, and adolescent risk behaviors
in intact families. Journal of Family Issues, 27, 850-881.
Researchers have
found that children are better off emotionally, cognitively and socially when
their fathers are consistently involved in their lives.
Source: Anthes, E. (2010, May/June). Family guy. Scientific
American Mind.
Children raised in homes where the father is not present are four
times more likely to live in poverty.
Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Children’s Living Arrangements and
Characteristics: March 2011, Table C8. Washington D.C.: 2011.
Children are more likely to be aggressive when raised without a
father.
Source: Osborne, C., &
McLanahan, S. (2007). Partnership instability and child well-being. Journal of
Marriage and Family, 69, 1065-1083
Children raised in
father-less homes were more likely to be involved in criminal behaviour and more
likely to be incarcerated as adults, even when the researchers controlled for
income.
Source: Harper, Cynthia C. and Sara S. McLanahan. “Father Absence and Youth Incarceration.” Journal of Research on Adolescence 14 (September 2004): 369-397.
And the statistics
could go on, and on, and on.
But I don’t need the
statistics to tell me this. I’ve been working with young people for the past eight years, and see this theme repeat in my classroom: the most well-adjusted,
contented, successful students more often than not come from homes where a
father is present and positively involved in their child’s life. It’s heartbreaking
hearing a young man speak of the unbearable pressure of being the ‘man of the
house’ or a young woman having no sense of her value because there is no father
to speak of her intelligence, wit and beauty.
You see, the presence
of a father has incredible power in a home. Loving, good-willed fathers are a
stabilizing factor to the family. Sure, they fall short from perfect, but so do
you and I as moms. It is their good-will – that intent to provide for, support
and love their family – that trumps any tendencies that drive us moms crazy.
It doesn’t matter if
my husband forgets to feed Gemma her 3 o’clock snack because his will for Gemma
is good. He’s dedicated his whole life to that little girl and I. He has
educated himself to get a great job that provides for all our needs and more.
He wants to be present in all of Gemma’s memories, and willingly gives up time
he could devote to other interests to do this. He loves me without condition
and through that shows Gemma how to choose a loving, good-willed spouse for
herself one day.
Today I remind myself
of this.
Oh, and I gotta admit
that I too have adopted the ‘lift by the waistband, slip into pants' technique from time to time – it works!
To not taking fathers
for granted,
♥ Dion
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